In case of emergency...

Discussions during gaming sessions are often sources of great interest and variation. Poker Night at the Chronicle in Bebington proved no different.

It cropped up in conversation (as it does) that at least two of us at the table had made preparations and had plans for what to do in the event of a zombie attack or other such mutant dilemma.

Ross planned to make his way to Wallasey Town Hall as it had big doors, walls, kitchens, high windows and towers and numerous potential barriers against the zombie horde. It was near his house and he reckoned a quick sprint would get him there.

Similar to myself in fact, as I had opted for Christ Church at the bottom of our road; thick walls, big doors and high walls before you got to the windows.

It also had a kitchen and a source of food and water (plenty of food if the amount of cakes that appear at functions and church fetes are anything to go by) and also a healthy tower with winding staircase and, most important, a bell.


This has the distinct advantage over the town hall as I cannot imagine a zombie would have the presence of mind to go around ringing bells and would serve as an alarm and 'come and get me' message.

Not as in 'come and get me' from the zombies by the way, but as in rescue.

Someone mentioned the zombies in the cemetary around the church but this fallacy was dismissed, films have zombies emerging from the ground which is soft and often pre cut, in a real cemetary there is two ton of compacted soil to get off you and a wooden box to get out of. Not going to happen!

This conversation, as you can imagine, did promote some comments from around the table as some folk had never considered this issue; but they were addressed as follows:

"I would just run, me, as zombies are dead slow". Yes this is true but I have no doubt that this is a plan for the short term unless you are Paula Ratcliffe.

"I'd get in a big car or four by four and run the ****ers over". Again this was a short term plan but had no long term survival prospects. Also, going around trying to find such a vehicle, and the keys, and all the while dodging zombies sounds too fraught with risk. Also, glass windows at head height and thus at biting level are a no-no.

"I'd get a gun and shoot them, sort them out." Again one plan with potential in the US of A or somewhere with readily available guns but in the UK its a bit of a non-starter. Anyway, according to the films the axe that I have in the garage lined up and close to hand would be a better option and my own weapon of choice.

So anyway, I was looking like the winner especially as I have the armour and the gear to provide full body protection from bites, and a quick clearing of the way and getting the family to the church was a great plan until somebody mentioned the B&Q Superstore in Birkenhead (or the smaller one in Ellesmere Port) at which pooint we all realised the place to head for.

It is a veritable cornucopia of weaponry and survival aids. It has walls and reinforced shutters that come down in front of the glass frontage.

There are drinks and vending machines for sustenance and enough gear to set up a rain capture device on the roof. Plus you could probably catch birds and even find a way of building some overhead passageways to nearby stores that sell food (or at a push Macdonalds, but as the likeliest sources for the viral infection that causes the spread of zombification in the first place this would be a last resort).

There are also large pieces of machinery and plant equipment that could be readily converted into driveable weapons of zombie destrution, so overall we formulated a plan.

In the event of zombie attack, as quickly as possible get yourself to B&Q and tool up. Secure the building with the ample supply of bricks, cement, stakes (doubling up for vampire attack) and sit tight.

Easy.